My Boggart

Let me first say that the weather today was marvelous. If my lawn was mowed, I would have gone and sat outside for copious amounts of time but I haven't gotten around to pulling the good ol' lawn mower out yet.

I had a long incoherent rant about discrimination that I wanted to write tonight but that will come at a later date. Probably later this week... For those of you who read Harry Potter (and yes... I will say LOUD AND PROUD.. I'm a Potterophile), that's where my title comes from.

For those of you who don't know, here's a short explanation. A boggart is a shape-shift like creature (lives mainly in wardrobes or drawers) who changes to your worse nightmare when released from their chamber. Ron Weasley's boggart was a spider. Harry Potter's was a dementor. So it's different for everyone.

I was feeling rather down today (which sadly is becoming a more common occurrence) and began to feel rather philosophical. Upon further evaluation of my mood, I determined 2 things. 1. I really like being productive and 2. I haven't felt productive in a VERY long time. And then I really started to worry about the one thing I fear most in the world: disappointing others. My boggart would be someone important to me (my family, boyfriend or even close friends) hopping out and yelling, "Alison! I'm so disappointed in you!"

I've always had this fear too. When I was 10, I decided to play the violin because I was afraid if I didn't, I would disappoint my dad. I wish I could say in recent years it's gotten better but really it hasn't. After I returned home from college, I took the first full-time job I was offered because I was afraid I would disappoint everyone if I didn't.

I wish I could change it. I wish I could find my Riddikulus spell and turn my fear into something funny. But sadly, if life was that easy I would be basking in the sun on the island of Fiji waiting to give my next tour. And my hope is that writing about it will help improve it. I've never actually openly admitted that but if you know me well, you understand approval is important to me.

Truth be told... Few of the decisions in my life have ever truly been for me. And luckily, some of the important ones worked out. Like playing the violin or choosing where to go to college. But most don't. Like one of the jobs I decided to take. The reason I hate disappointing people is simple. I like making people happy and disappointment = unhappiness = unhappy Alison.

For a while (especially during college), I had it to a point where it wasn't something I was worrying about because I knew that I could do anything. However, the last couple of months have really shaken up an already shaky foundation. Unfortunately, that makes it a constant worry for me. I can't get past this nagging fear that I'm disappointing everyone else. When really, I've been disappointing myself this WHOLE TIME!

I wrote about this mainly so I work on changing it. For the last 9 months, I've been miserable mostly because I was so afraid of disappointing other people. I've been trying to keep my world from falling apart and hoping that no one would see how close I was to cracking. I lost weight (went from a size 12 to a size 8) and spent most nights on the phone crying to my boyfriend (he's a saint).

I've decided to change my lame, miserable existence. It won't be easy but when is life easy? But this is my decision... for me. Step one: Be selfish. If you give me a lecture, I swear I will defriend you from Facebook. I've spent too many years of my life letting other people use me, abuse me, and then leave me for the next person.

My first act of selfishness: I'm going to take a WHOLE week at the end of May and help my best friend move to South Dakota. Am I being helpful? Yes. But who says you can't be helpful for selfish reasons? Second act: I'm going to Europe for 3 weeks and plan to enjoy 3 weeks of gluttony. And for once, I refuse to be practical.

Plans for selfishness after I return from Europe: Buy myself the most pimpin' car ever AND then to top it all off... I'm moving. I LOVE Chicago but college changed home for me. I've been back 9 months and I haven't felt at home at all. So I'm leaving... I don't know where or how but I'm going.

And I've found a way to help make people happy that I'm seriously excited about! I am a Mary Kay Beauty Consultant and I LOVE giving free facials. I am cordially inviting YOU ALL to my first Mary Kay party on May 21. You get free facials and possibly a free prize! I know this sounds completely backwards from the rest of my blog but it's my way of making people happy without making myself unhappy.

So here begins my attempt to perform my Riddikulus spell... Tata!