The truth is...

Growing up, I was always taught "the truth will set you free." However, I probably lied quite a bit as a child to keep from getting out of trouble. Usually I just blamed what I did on one of my sisters. Although I'd like to believe that for the most part, we were well behaved, which really didn't give my parents a lot of reason to punish us. I remember being grounded only once and that was lifted like a day later. Maybe my parents were pushovers or maybe I never did anything that really required grounding. I did have a temper as a kid, which resulted in me hitting my younger sister a lot. Although the beating was mutual so I gave as good as I got and included a few times (I kid you not...) Kristin threatening me with kitchen knives. Luckily, Kristin is now terrified of knives and we've both mellowed out. So this blog is dedicated to the truth about my life right now, with the hopes that it will help me feel better. And the truth is life really sucks right now and I'm far from ok.

The truth is I've been unemployed almost 3 months and only had 5 interviews (most of which have been since Jan. 1).

The truth is I can hardly get anyone to call me or return my phone calls (no matter how pesky I decide to be), including a part time job at McDonald's.

The truth is that being unemployed totally blows and is killing my confidence.

The truth is I'm tired of listening about recent grads (like ones from December) complain they can't find a job... you've been out a month! Shut up and take a number!

The truth is I LOVED working at the Halloween store and miss it desparately. It was the first time since leaving EIU that I felt appreciated at work.

The truth is I'm tired of hanging out with my friends and hearing about their work stories. I'd rather stay home than be reminded that I'm still unemployed.

The truth is my confidence in my ability to find a job is pretty well shot.

The truth is since I can't pay my own bills, my mother has been helping me and I feel so incredibly guilty about it.

The truth is I'm horribly embarassed that I'm 23, living at home and can't even afford to buy my own food (my mom is making sure I'm fed).

The truth is this whole situation has me SO stressed out I've started having panic attacks.

The truth is I'm terrified of panic attacks.

The truth is that I've been reading my Bible, praying and trying to find God but for some reason, he's not answering and I'm beyond frustrated.

The truth is I'm tired of hearing Pastor Ron say "God's got a big plan for you in 2012."

The truth is I just want to feel God again. I don't need a job, I just want to know he's there.

The truth is without my mom and Zack, I'm very sure I would be much worse than I am now.

The truth is I feel like I've lost all independence and that's what is killing me the most.

The truth is I'm tired of companies telling me that I don't have enough experience to be an assistant manager, try for the shift supervisor position (which I've already got 3 years of experience... 2 in college and 1 post college).

The truth is I know I can do it and I know I can be the best. 

The truth is this is probably the most difficult blog I've ever written.

The truth is I've only been able to listen to Kirk Franklin for the last month. Anyone else just makes me more depressed.

But the truth is simple: I just want to feel like Alison again.