What I believe...

Lately, I've felt stuck between a rock and a hard place spiritually. I was raised in a Pentecostal church and I believe it's part of my core. If nothing else, it's definitely shaped who I am today. It's why I don't swear a lot or smoke (although smoking is just stupid period) or drink a lot. It's also why I don't enjoy gossiping and I hate lying because it seriously gives me the most icky feeling in the world. I read somewhere that if you don't stand for something, then you'll fall for anything so this me taking a stand.

I don't claim to have all the answers nor do I claim that I understand why God chooses to do some things. But I can tell you what God means to me. And I'm so not perfect... I swear when I get really angry, I've drank too much on occasion, and I lie... more often that I care to admit. I'm not going to throw my beliefs in your face and tell you to repent or you'll spend eternity in hell. I HATE scare tactics and scaring people into salvation, isn't salvation at all. I'm simply going to tell you what my story.

I found Jesus when I was 8. I say "found" because my philosophy is that Jesus is always there waiting for you, you have to be the one willing to find him. It was a Sunday night service and we had some Evangelist visiting that evening. I don't remember the particulars but there was a moment in his sermon when he spoke about a prodigal son (a different one than the biblical story) and his returning home to his family. Somewhere in the midst of all this, I had this strange feeling inside that the Evangelist was talking to me. He then mentioned something about sin and separating us from God (therefore sending us to hell). This is a very abbreviated version, I know, but I was 8 and I've an awful memory. But I was TERRIFIED because I knew that earlier that week I had lied to my parents about shampooing my hair (funny, I remember what the sin was but can barely remember that sermon) and the thought of hell just scared me. Hence, why I don't approve of scare tactics, one could argue I repented because of a scare tactic.

He did an altar call and I flew up to the front. I curled myself up into a ball and prayed, "Lord, please don't send me to hell. I lied and I'm sorry." I was SO ashamed of myself for lying that I couldn't even bring myself to tell my Sunday school teacher Mrs. Shumaker why I was up there. I remember her distinctly telling me that there was no sin too big that God couldn't wipe away even though I was still convinced my sin was the greatest sin ever committed. But she prayed for me anyway. If I ever see her again, I want to thank her for praying with me that day.

After that, I spent most of my time at church, I LOVED church. I didn't have a lot of friends at school so ALL of my friends were at church and that's the only time I ever got to see any of them. There was the social aspect but I also felt closer to God at church. I didn't fully grasp the concept of an omnipresent God until middle school.

But it wasn't until middle school and a new youth pastor who really brought me closer to God. As a kid, I knew that Jesus loved me and I was pretty sure I loved him too. But Pastor Dave and Kristen helped me build a relationship with Him without even realizing I was doing it. They showed me the true love of Christ and how to apply it in my own life. They are also the reasons I LOVE worship music and to this day it is my favorite part of service (but that's another story). It's why I don't swear or gossip about other people. After Jesus went to Heaven, we became His earthly examples. He passed his mission on to us, to show the world who Christ is and Pastor Dave taught me the best way to do that is through your actions. It's something I strive to do on a daily basis, even if I mess up all the time.

Here's a way to put it that I hope makes a little more sense... Everyone has lost someone important, right? A friend, a parent, a sibling... doesn't really matter who but after they passed, you tell yourself that you want to live a life to make them proud. You want them to look down on you and smile. And you do this because you built a loving relationship with them, making them important to you. Their good opinion of you matters to you. For me, that's how it works for my relationship with God.

Over my 24 short years, God provided for me. He has proven himself to me a bajillion times over and a long time ago, someone very important to me died. God sent himself in human form to die the most horrific way possible (have you read about crucifixion??? reading about it makes me sick to stomach) for me. He died so I could have a chance at life (which I'll get too in a minute), to live my life abundant and because he willingly did that, I chose to live a life of which he would be proud. His good opinion matters to me and I want him to smile when He thinks of Alison Burge.

How has be proven himself? Easy... Just look at me, I'm a walking miracle. After my parents discovered, I had a birth defect, my mom was offered an abortion. Instead of taking the easy way, instead of accepting the easiest solution... my mom tested God's promises and kept me. His promises of provision, blessing and favor. The doctors said I could be born with all sorts of medical issues because of my birth defect. If you research PFFD (the defect that caused my leg), it can get pretty ugly. It can with other physical deformities and has been linked to cognitive issues as well (don't you like my medical jargon?). But ta-da! I was a relatively healthy baby (I say relatively because I spent a couple in NICU because I was blue... something about oxygen or my blood but they didn't find anything. Tracie tells me I was a smurf). I was a very expensive child, PFFD does result in a LOT of dr's visits and surgeries... etc.

God showed his provision in introducing my parents to Shriner's Hospitals, which paid for all of my leg related medical costs that insurance didn't cover. They provided me with the best possible care growing up (SUPER ULTRA MEGA BLESSING!!!!!!!). They weren't sure how well I would walk and at first, there was probably some discussion about whether or not I'd be able to walk at all. Most people can't even tell I wear a fake leg... how is that for blessing? 98% of the time they think I've hurt my ankle. I have a limp but once I get my new leg in April (woot!) even that will be minimized. For having a limitation, I've lived a very normal life. Blessing! I was NEVER actually teased for not having a leg. BLESSING! (Although I was teased for wearing glasses in grade school by a girl named Latoya). I learned how to roller blade! Blessing! I haven't learned how to ride a bike yet but I will (the fact that I'll be able too... BLESSING!). And despite being born with a handicap, in May 2010, I graduated college with a 3.45 GPA (blessing.).  When I was 4, I had diagnosed with really BAD asthma (like have to take steroids to control it) and today? Very little asthma (only kicks in around dogs)! When I look back over my life, I don't know how you can tell me how God wasn't present. It's just not humanly possible. My whole life is a result of prayer, faith and God's awesome power. I believe God exists because everything that has happened to me proves it. And I choose to love him and make him proud because of what he's done for me. And if He hadn't died on that cross so many years ago, I might not even be alive today.

And here's something not even leg related. Two years ago, I took a job at a bank. On the scale of worst jobs, it must come close to the top. I felt like God wasn't hearing my pleas for help. My boss was awful and I was a mess mentally, physically, emotionally. I've been a skinny girl all my life and in those 9 months at the bank, I lost 30 lbs. I was demoted from my position and transferred to a different branch. My confidence was shot. Where was God in that situation? Why wasn't He helping me? I couldn't hear him or feel him so I almost gave up. But even in the middle of all this, he continued to provide for me. I had the world's greatest support system of family, friends and boyfriend. And in the year that followed after quitting, God provided the resources to pay my bills and not starve (my parents are saints!), he provided the Halloween store to return my confidence and restore my strength, and then He provided me with Potbelly. A good job, with decent pay, decent hours and workplace where I feel appreciated and valued. Even if I don't spend the rest of my life working for them, I'm eternally thankful that they gave me a shot. Even at my lowest point, when I stopped praying, stopped going to church, stopped even paying attention to him... He looked out of me and provided. That is a God who truly cares.

I don't claim to have all the answers. I can't answer all the questions of the Universe but I will tell what I know: I love God and he loves me. And I choose to believe He died for me.

2012: In Memoriam

Dear 2012,

I'll admit that I had my doubts about you the first couple of months. 2011 had a couple of really awesome moments (Europe... yay!) but otherwise it just kind of sucked. I had an awful job, I lost weight (which isn't good when you don't have any too lose) and I ended the year broke with no real job prospects. I was relieved that it ended and you arrived with the promise of better things. However, those first two months were not fun at all. Panic attacks and depression... Really? I had thought a new year meant new endeavors and new amazing opportunities but no... you gave me 2 months of the same old stuff I dealt with the last 12 months. You even gave me my first ticket for running a red light that I didn't run! We both know I made that light. I began to think nothing would change and I'd end 2012 in the same place as the previous year. But, I gotta hand it to you, you really pulled through for me. 

By the end of February, I had a job with decent pay and wonderful people. I even got health benefits and 2 weeks of paid vacation. I know 2012 was the year of the dragon but it became the year of the sandwich for myself. Everyday I began to feel more like myself again. The panic attacks ended, the depression turned into happiness and my confidence began to build up. 2012, you returned my self confidence. It was a rather long process and took most of the year but it's back and I feel like the Alison-tour-de-force again. That's something for which I cannot express my gratitude enough. 

I was financially stable enough to go my Nichole in S. Dakota. We went to Yellowstone and spent a crazy couple of days. It was cold and hot and we burned to a crisp. But also had crazy amounts of fun. It was good to see Old Faithful and know that real friendships endure no matter how far apart we are. Thank you for providing the Olympics so Nichole and I could share our Olympic love together. The gymnastics rocked! You picked a PHENOMENAL team, including Makayla Mahoney (vault girl), who was not impressed with her silver. Hopefully, in a year or two she'll realize that she completed BOMBED her second vault but was still great enough to land a silver. She was sitting down... SITTING DOWN and she still got silver. To me that says, "Hey, I'm so much better than everybody else that I don't even have to land my vaults to beat you." I bow to her talent. It was also fun watching Michael Phelps win his 19th medal and watching youngster Missy Franklin just take the world by storm. She's 17 and already won 7 medals!! I just wanted to be her best friend, she was so adorable. Oh and the beach volleyball was fun too. I think I bit off all my fingernails watching Kerri and Misty play. I would've cried if they didn't win. I have no words for the awesomeness of the London Olympics... massive kudos to you 2012. 

Not to say 2012 that you didn't have your issues. I mean you did break my foot... while I was at work. You did cause me to miss a week of work only to find out that my leg is falling apart. I knew it was old and probably in bad shape but I wasn't expecting the ticking time bomb on my knee. They couldn't even fix it or put a band aid solution on it. And then when I went to try and get a new one, I heard the stinging words of "pre-existing condition." Which is a bunch of crap... Why should I be blamed for something I had no control over???? I don't drink or smoke or do any really dangerous things.... I just want to be able to function and live like everyone else. Stupid insurance... ugh. But on the bright side of all this, you did at least enforce the 2010 healthcare reform. For the time being, it can't be repealed (thank you Supreme Court)! Blah, blah, blah... I'm Christian and I support it... so what? I'm also human and would like to make sure that all my health needs are met. I don't use my disability as a crutch, I don't have a woe is me attitude, I don't even have a friggin' handicapped sticker for my car!!!! All I ask is that I be able to use the insurance that I EARN and PAY FOR properly. So all you haters and sit down, shut up and take a number because I've been WITHOUT coverage for my leg for a long time and I'm done caring about stupidity. Maybe it's selfish, maybe it's wrong but I supported Obama's healthcare from the beginning and thank you 2012 for at least prolonging it's life. 

There were some political issues, 2012, but I won't get into that. Long story short, ALL of Congress needs to be fired. They can't even clean up their own mess.

Also thank you 2012 for 4 wonderful years with my man. It's not a perfect relationship but it's ours and he's proved more and more to be the man I always dreamed of. It's funny how God knows things you needed that you didn't. Like why would I ever have wanted to date a picky eater? Well, I get heart burn pretty easily and when I go out with Zack, he picks places that don't give me heartburn. You also provided him with a big boy job.. one that he seems to like a whole lot. It's entry level but he's happy just to be working. It's also funny to hear him complain about the same things I did when I first started working. No social life, meetings on your days off... I just tell him what he told me. "It's ok, hunny." 

Thanks for the continuing health of my family. And for letting my mom lose close to 40 lbs this year! WOOT!  It's truly a miracle and she's happier and healthier. Being around my mom at all, she's just overall happier. I think her optimism is even returning. You provided Kristin with a job at school and a seriously awesome internship in her field. And you provided another one for her at the end of the year. An even better one that is precisely what she wants to do and will grow her so much. Tracie got a full-time job and better health benefits! Holla! Her health has also improved and I know we're all thankful for the lack of seizures on her part now (especially Patrick). I only have one small, tiny bone to pick about this. I didn't become an aunt in 2012. I know patience is a virtue but they've been married 4 years now and she's almost 30. I love them both a great deal and they'll great parents. Is is so much to ask to be an aunt?

You've also provided for my friends too. Everyone got jobs (and I mean everyone). Nichole got a job at a daycare on base, Jen got salaried with benefits, Tristan ran off to Japan to teach English, and Megan had a teaching job before graduating. Megan got married, Nichole finished planning her wedding and Jen is dating a seemingly nice guy named Alex (I get to meet him today so I cannot yet pass judgement). Tristan is still missing from this group but I hear Japan is lacking in that department. And I forgot Susan... my favorite old boss whom I wish I lived closer too... she had a baby!!!!!!! The cutest most adorable baby girl named Addy. I'm so happy for her and Aaron! Yay! 

So overall 2012, you were a great year! I mean a seriously great year! The best I've had since graduating (although those years are still in their infancy). I just wanted to say thank you for being a great year, for providing new opportunities and letting us leave old days behind. Looking back, I wish there was some stuff that would've gone differently (my leg) but other than that, I wouldn't change it for the world. And if the Mayan calendar is correct, then we're starting a new era of something. I'm excited to see what 2013 has in store for me. I do know that it does at least hold a couple of wonderful things. A bunch of weddings (dear friends, please stop getting married in 2013... I will be broke), a car for myself, the college graduation of Kristin, AND most important to me... a BRAND NEW LEG! oh... 2013... i only have 1 resolution to which i have no control over... i would like to be an aunt, please. 

P.S. 2012, thank you for introducing me to a most wonderful creative endeavor... quilting! It rocks.