What I believe...

Lately, I've felt stuck between a rock and a hard place spiritually. I was raised in a Pentecostal church and I believe it's part of my core. If nothing else, it's definitely shaped who I am today. It's why I don't swear a lot or smoke (although smoking is just stupid period) or drink a lot. It's also why I don't enjoy gossiping and I hate lying because it seriously gives me the most icky feeling in the world. I read somewhere that if you don't stand for something, then you'll fall for anything so this me taking a stand.

I don't claim to have all the answers nor do I claim that I understand why God chooses to do some things. But I can tell you what God means to me. And I'm so not perfect... I swear when I get really angry, I've drank too much on occasion, and I lie... more often that I care to admit. I'm not going to throw my beliefs in your face and tell you to repent or you'll spend eternity in hell. I HATE scare tactics and scaring people into salvation, isn't salvation at all. I'm simply going to tell you what my story.

I found Jesus when I was 8. I say "found" because my philosophy is that Jesus is always there waiting for you, you have to be the one willing to find him. It was a Sunday night service and we had some Evangelist visiting that evening. I don't remember the particulars but there was a moment in his sermon when he spoke about a prodigal son (a different one than the biblical story) and his returning home to his family. Somewhere in the midst of all this, I had this strange feeling inside that the Evangelist was talking to me. He then mentioned something about sin and separating us from God (therefore sending us to hell). This is a very abbreviated version, I know, but I was 8 and I've an awful memory. But I was TERRIFIED because I knew that earlier that week I had lied to my parents about shampooing my hair (funny, I remember what the sin was but can barely remember that sermon) and the thought of hell just scared me. Hence, why I don't approve of scare tactics, one could argue I repented because of a scare tactic.

He did an altar call and I flew up to the front. I curled myself up into a ball and prayed, "Lord, please don't send me to hell. I lied and I'm sorry." I was SO ashamed of myself for lying that I couldn't even bring myself to tell my Sunday school teacher Mrs. Shumaker why I was up there. I remember her distinctly telling me that there was no sin too big that God couldn't wipe away even though I was still convinced my sin was the greatest sin ever committed. But she prayed for me anyway. If I ever see her again, I want to thank her for praying with me that day.

After that, I spent most of my time at church, I LOVED church. I didn't have a lot of friends at school so ALL of my friends were at church and that's the only time I ever got to see any of them. There was the social aspect but I also felt closer to God at church. I didn't fully grasp the concept of an omnipresent God until middle school.

But it wasn't until middle school and a new youth pastor who really brought me closer to God. As a kid, I knew that Jesus loved me and I was pretty sure I loved him too. But Pastor Dave and Kristen helped me build a relationship with Him without even realizing I was doing it. They showed me the true love of Christ and how to apply it in my own life. They are also the reasons I LOVE worship music and to this day it is my favorite part of service (but that's another story). It's why I don't swear or gossip about other people. After Jesus went to Heaven, we became His earthly examples. He passed his mission on to us, to show the world who Christ is and Pastor Dave taught me the best way to do that is through your actions. It's something I strive to do on a daily basis, even if I mess up all the time.

Here's a way to put it that I hope makes a little more sense... Everyone has lost someone important, right? A friend, a parent, a sibling... doesn't really matter who but after they passed, you tell yourself that you want to live a life to make them proud. You want them to look down on you and smile. And you do this because you built a loving relationship with them, making them important to you. Their good opinion of you matters to you. For me, that's how it works for my relationship with God.

Over my 24 short years, God provided for me. He has proven himself to me a bajillion times over and a long time ago, someone very important to me died. God sent himself in human form to die the most horrific way possible (have you read about crucifixion??? reading about it makes me sick to stomach) for me. He died so I could have a chance at life (which I'll get too in a minute), to live my life abundant and because he willingly did that, I chose to live a life of which he would be proud. His good opinion matters to me and I want him to smile when He thinks of Alison Burge.

How has be proven himself? Easy... Just look at me, I'm a walking miracle. After my parents discovered, I had a birth defect, my mom was offered an abortion. Instead of taking the easy way, instead of accepting the easiest solution... my mom tested God's promises and kept me. His promises of provision, blessing and favor. The doctors said I could be born with all sorts of medical issues because of my birth defect. If you research PFFD (the defect that caused my leg), it can get pretty ugly. It can with other physical deformities and has been linked to cognitive issues as well (don't you like my medical jargon?). But ta-da! I was a relatively healthy baby (I say relatively because I spent a couple in NICU because I was blue... something about oxygen or my blood but they didn't find anything. Tracie tells me I was a smurf). I was a very expensive child, PFFD does result in a LOT of dr's visits and surgeries... etc.

God showed his provision in introducing my parents to Shriner's Hospitals, which paid for all of my leg related medical costs that insurance didn't cover. They provided me with the best possible care growing up (SUPER ULTRA MEGA BLESSING!!!!!!!). They weren't sure how well I would walk and at first, there was probably some discussion about whether or not I'd be able to walk at all. Most people can't even tell I wear a fake leg... how is that for blessing? 98% of the time they think I've hurt my ankle. I have a limp but once I get my new leg in April (woot!) even that will be minimized. For having a limitation, I've lived a very normal life. Blessing! I was NEVER actually teased for not having a leg. BLESSING! (Although I was teased for wearing glasses in grade school by a girl named Latoya). I learned how to roller blade! Blessing! I haven't learned how to ride a bike yet but I will (the fact that I'll be able too... BLESSING!). And despite being born with a handicap, in May 2010, I graduated college with a 3.45 GPA (blessing.).  When I was 4, I had diagnosed with really BAD asthma (like have to take steroids to control it) and today? Very little asthma (only kicks in around dogs)! When I look back over my life, I don't know how you can tell me how God wasn't present. It's just not humanly possible. My whole life is a result of prayer, faith and God's awesome power. I believe God exists because everything that has happened to me proves it. And I choose to love him and make him proud because of what he's done for me. And if He hadn't died on that cross so many years ago, I might not even be alive today.

And here's something not even leg related. Two years ago, I took a job at a bank. On the scale of worst jobs, it must come close to the top. I felt like God wasn't hearing my pleas for help. My boss was awful and I was a mess mentally, physically, emotionally. I've been a skinny girl all my life and in those 9 months at the bank, I lost 30 lbs. I was demoted from my position and transferred to a different branch. My confidence was shot. Where was God in that situation? Why wasn't He helping me? I couldn't hear him or feel him so I almost gave up. But even in the middle of all this, he continued to provide for me. I had the world's greatest support system of family, friends and boyfriend. And in the year that followed after quitting, God provided the resources to pay my bills and not starve (my parents are saints!), he provided the Halloween store to return my confidence and restore my strength, and then He provided me with Potbelly. A good job, with decent pay, decent hours and workplace where I feel appreciated and valued. Even if I don't spend the rest of my life working for them, I'm eternally thankful that they gave me a shot. Even at my lowest point, when I stopped praying, stopped going to church, stopped even paying attention to him... He looked out of me and provided. That is a God who truly cares.

I don't claim to have all the answers. I can't answer all the questions of the Universe but I will tell what I know: I love God and he loves me. And I choose to believe He died for me.