So welcome to my life friends: I am a ex-Pentecostal, possible ex-Christian. And this is my story.... You don't have to read or even support it. However, this holiday season has put a harsh focus on my deconstruction of my faith and I have turned into a complete Grinch (to the point where I've been saying Happy Festivus instead of Christmas and we have 0 Christmas decor up). But we're going home and I don't want to ruin anyone else's Christmas with my Grinchy-ness so I'm getting some of it out.
Anyways, the events of the last 12 months have really made me take a hard look at my belief in God and American Christianity.
If I'm being honest, I don't think the people who I want to read this will ever touch it. And if they do, I don't think they'll get the message because, at this point, I've just about lost all hope for American Christianity. This doesn't mean I blame all Christians or that I even think all Christians are bad people. I have spent the last year watching Christians that I respected and loved turn against all the Christian principles I thought were important. A lot of their political and personal decisions made me wonder if they truly believe the lessons they taught me growing up.
I was raised in a standard Pentecostal church. I spent years at youth camp trying to receive the gift of speaking in tongues from the Holy Spirit and spent as many years wondering if I sinned too much to receive it. I did See You at the Pole, attended youth retreats, got involved with small groups, and made a stupid list about what I wanted in my future husband (because what 16 year old truly knows what they want in a spouse?). My life was saturated in the early 00's youth group culture where I had to dress conservatively so my Christian brethren wouldn't sin, where listening to anything BUT Christian music on trips was explicitly forbidden and where I was absolutely convinced that if I didn't get involved with a Christian group at my college I would fall into temptation and become a party girl.
Right.
I started at my heathen institution for higher learning in August of 2006. I was one of to two people from my youth group's graduating class who chose a secular college. But I was the only one to leave home. I was warned of the perils of drinking and partying too much. I was warned of the mortal peril of getting into a sinful, lustful relationship with young men who aren't Christians. I was even warned of the perils of having a non-Christian roommate (yea... I had one... and it was great! She was absolutely awesome!).
You know it's funny... It wasn't the lustful young men or the partying that made my question my faith for the first time... It was my best friend (I won't name him because I didn't talk to him about this post).
My best friend is gay. And before meeting him, I always thought being gay was a choice and therefore, it was a sin. But as Christian, I had to love the sinner and hate the sin... So I could love him but I had to hate that he was gay...
Um... WHAT? Regardless of any stupid Biblical arguments... How was I supposed to love him but hate that he was gay? He was my friend. I enjoyed hanging out with him and we spent A LOT of time together. We created a lot of great memories that didn't involve partying or any of the other "evils" of a public school. We watched Zombie films, Dancing with the Stars, talked about global takeover and talked about philosophy. In the context of a Pentecostal youth group, 75% of it would have been approved by any youth pastor. I say 75% because we attended several drag shows and dressed up for Harry Potter premieres.
I found the more time I spent with him and my birthday twin, the more I began to question my beliefs about sexual orientation. By the time I graduated, I didn't give a flying F about people's sexual orientation. I still held firmly to my belief of Jesus and Christianity and "it's a relationship not a religion" but I started to see I could still love people for who they are and whatever "sins" they're supposed to be committing.
And it's possible my theology is all wrong but I'm a sinner too... how can I cast the first stone on someone else when, according to the Bible, I sin too? And if we're taking a literal interpretation, it does say, "The wages of sin is Death." This means I'm going to hell for my sins just the same as everyone else, so there is no such thing as a larger sin. So how am I hating someone else's sin when I have 29 years worth of my own sin to hate? It's just too much.
So I think that's the first part of my faith I've done away with: "Love the sinner but hate the sin." It's a stupid phrase that is impossible to follow unless you're Jesus. And for me personally, I can't separate the two. Plus from a grammatical standpoint, "sin" is the first part of "sinner" and if I just hate the first part of the word... the only thing I can love is the "ner"... And what on earth is a "ner"?
And here's a political stance to tack on: If my male best friend marries another man, I don't care. Christianity hasn't done so hot at the man/woman marriage thing... so why not let someone else try?
For the record, you don't have to agree with but I do not want to argue with you. As someone who is struggling with faith and American Christianity, the last thing you should do here is argue with me. It won't save me and it WILL NOT change my mind. In fact, it will do the complete opposite of what you want it to do.
I'll probably write another post because I've got more I need to get out.
So yea... Happy Festivus and Bah Humbug. Love, your Las Vegas Grinch.
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