I can't believe I'm going to do this and embarrass the crap out of myself but it will take away some of my boyfriend's glory. Normally, I would let Zack just tease me relentlessly but I also have to do this for me. It's been far too long and I have to get past the embarrassment.
In high school, I had a crush on this guy at my church. We're going to call him Todd. I debated for a long time over whether to use his real name but I felt it kind of rude to write a blog using his real name without asking him first. And I was far too embarrassed to do that. Zack will know who I'm speaking of and probably be the first to tell you his real name.
Please understand Todd if you do read this, I am SO sorry and it embarrasses me to no end. It was just the crush of a stupid, naive teenage girl, who lived with her head in the clouds. You really are a great guy and you are marrying a wonderful, wonderful woman who is very dear to me. I am truly excited beyond words for you both!!!!!
So I've known Todd basically my entire life. I like to tell people I was born at the church because I spent so much time there from K-12 grades. I don't know when Todd's family started attending my church but I know I was really young. During grade school, our paths didn't cross a whole lot that I remember. We were in kids choir together and Junior Bible Quiz. It wasn't until high school that we got stuck together more.
As much as I wish I could deny this now, I was boy crazy. I know that all 15 year old girls are but mine wasn't so much about liking 20 boys at once. I focused on 1 boy and my crush turned into an obsession. That's what happened with Todd. I was a sophomore and Todd had grown his hair out (think Justin Bieber hair). All the girls thought he was cute with the new hair. I think for me it was the dimples. Over the next 2 years, I convinced myself that I was going to marry Todd. Our paths had to be intertwined. I mean after all, he played my boyfriend in one of our youth group dramas. It was a sign!
In my mind, Todd could do no wrong. I thought he was the perfect guy for me. He met every quality on my list of prospective boyfriend essentials. It wasn't until I was out of high school that I realized I tailored the entire list to make it fit Todd. My mom kept telling me to ask him to homecoming but there was no way on God's green earth I could do that. I was far too shy in high school. I was that girl who never spoke to the guys she liked because I was so scared of what they thought. In my high school years, I spoke maybe 10 words to Todd. I remember telling him once that I liked his glasses.
And looking back, I know I was obsessed because I actually used to dream about him. Not regularly but I remember about 3 or 4. The only reason I even remember them is because I'm so embarrassed by them. (And Zack... I know for a fact I've had more dreams about you... so no teasing me about it.) I promise they weren't anything inappropriate. I can't say they weren't weird because I had one where Todd and Harry Potter saved the world.
Then later in high school, he started dating one my closest friends. I was furious! How could she double cross me like this? I actually began to distance myself from her and I regret it every single day. She was one of my oldest, dearest friends and I let my stupid obsession with a guy get in the way. We still remain friends to this day but not the way we were as kids. You can tell me that it happens as people get older but I really think this one was my fault.
I left for school and eventually got passed Todd. It actually happened pretty quickly after arriving at EIU. By the end of the first semester I developed a crush on someone else. And then a year later, I met some crazy kid named Zack and I didn't want to own up to liking him until my friend, Beth, completely called me out. Luckily, she didn't have to call me out when I fell in love with Zack.
Back in June, Zack was visiting me for a week before I ran off to Europe and he came across my journals from high school. I don't hide anything from Zack so he learned all about my obsession with Todd long before June. He read them and was surprised by how boring they were. I talked about how I bored I was in class etc. He flipped haphazardly through the pages until he came to "Dear Todd...". I think I lost 20 years off my life.
I really thought Zack would be jealous about reading this pseudo-love letter that I wrote to another guy. But I turned so red that he chose to pick on me instead. I don't embarrass easily so when I do Zack pounces on it. I credit it to my ability to laugh at myself but I'm so embarrassed about this old obsession that I can't. Still to this day, I cannot have a normal conversation with Todd.
And I would like to have a normal conversation with Todd. I would like to be able to say "How are you?" without these stupid memories popping into my head. So this is step one. I figure the best way to get over it is to humiliate myself in front of the whole Internet! I'm going to do my best not to put my head in the ground like an ostrich because Todd could read this (and that's more mortifying than anything else).
Todd is getting married very soon to my friend he started dating in high school. Now if anyone reads this and goes, "Alison's going all My Best Friend's Wedding on us," I may hurt you. Honestly, I can't think of anything even remotely clever to say because it actually makes me angry. If that's what you got out of this, you completely missed the point and I pity your stupidity. That's all I have to say on the subject. I am very excited about their upcoming marriage but a more correct term is probably elated. I AM SO ELATED FOR THE TWO OF THEM!!!
So now Zack can't find glory in teasing me about Todd and I should be able to laugh at myself for it. And here is the letter I wrote to Todd during German class (this is my attempt to laugh at myself).
It's dated 1/31/2005.
Dear Todd,
Hey! It's me, Alison! You're probably wondering why I'm writing this. Well I need to get this out before I explode (J/K). It's really just 4 my sake. I surprise myself sometimes. I think about you a lot and I've written about you once in my journal. If you haven't guessed already, I like you. There I said it. I think your a sweet guy and really funny. I know we've never had an actual conversation but that will change. I'm going to try and step out of my comfort zone more. I get really nervous around guys because I always feel like I'm going to say something or do something stupid. Writing this letter is a first for me. This is really weird. But now that this is all out, I'm more at peace with it.
Alison
So I was reading over this letter and on the top of the page its written on I taped a clipping from a newspaper and it says (I'm totally serious) "are you neurotic?" After writing this blog, probably.
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