The Webs We Weave: A Halloween Soap Opera

I have just gotten through what may be the longest day of my entire life. It wasn't due to job stress or crazy co-workers or even overbearing boss... no it was due to the drama. My job has turned into one ginormous soap opera with all the drama coming at me from every possible angle. We can't do anything without there being some form of drama and for the next couple of paragraphs, I will confuse you with a number of plot twists, rip your heart out with tear-jerking sadness and give the story no real good ending because every good soap opera never truly ends. It just continues on an endless cycle of insanity. I've changed all the names to protect my butt but it's also a lot of fun.

It all started one week ago when my district manager, named Francisco, went to Wisconsin because his uncle died of cancer. We weren't really sure what we were doing yet with the whole store situation but we extended our condolences and let Francisco leave in peace. We chose not to bother him during his time of grief and turned our many hundred questions to his boss, whom we shall call Jane Lynch.

Now Jane Lynch is a very formidable character. She requires everything to be done a certain way and will not give any room for variation and does not keep an open door policy. You may give her your ideas but I can guarantee you that Jane Lynch will never listen. So Jane Lynch gave us very strict direction on what needed to be done and sent in another district manager to help cover for Francisco.

The other district manager immediately saw our stores were in a total state of disarray. He came in and immediately got us going on the right track.  None of us had any idea what we were doing in terms of hanging up merchandise, putting together elaborate halloween displays or even hanging up the snap walls correctly. This started poor Francisco on a long road the would ultimately lead to his untimely doom.

Now fast forward to last Thursday, when Francisco returns from Wisconsin and meets with us all to see our progress. By this point, we are all exhausted and my store manager, named Pierre the Frenchman, was at his wits end. Pierre was super sick but still came in to work because Jane Lynch told him he couldn't miss a day of work until after the store was ready to open. But Pierre's condition was made worse by the fact that he wasn't working on his store. Oh no... Pierre had spent countless hours coaching, building and repairing another manager's store because Francisco hadn't been around to pick up the keys of Pierre's store. And Pierre was ticked and it was obvious.

With Francisco back at the helm and the other district manager driving 3 long hours back to his region, we continued our hurried effort to open the store. Pierre went home early on Thursday to catch up on sleep and prepare for his long battle the next morning at his own store. Friday was very uneventful because all I and the other people did was hang merchandise.

There were whispers among us that the co-manager at Pierre's (my) store, named Zeida, was being transferred to a new store in the wonderful world of Skokie. But Francisco could neither confirm nor deny this because he was AWOL. Poor Francisco suffered further heart break when his own father, just days after the loss of a beloved uncle, went into the hospital only to discover he had a cancerous tumor.

While my Friday was considerably boring, Pierre (who was still very ill) got hit in the head with a box and had to unload 3 enormous semi trailers full of merchandise. Pierre had enough of all this and wrote quitely simply on a piece of printer paper, "To Spirit- I quit!! Pierre the Frenchman." He left Zeida a voicemail telling her the Schaumburg store was now hers and she would no longer hear from him.

In the beautiful village of Buffalo Grove, everything came to a shattering halt with the news that our beloved Pierre the Frenchman had raised his white flag. Everyone was in shock. We must have sat around for 15 minutes just talking about how Pierre could have betrayed us all.

Zeida thought it was a conspiracy. Francisco had wanted to rid himself of Pierre the Frenchman forever. She knew that Francisco and Pierre did not get along and were constantly fighting for control of the troops. But I became worried. My store was supposed to have 2 managers and 2 assistants. We were down 1 manager and the other assistant still hadn't been named. Would I be thrown into the position of power? Would I ascend to Pierre's throne of managerdom? Only time would tell.

But Francisco was in no shape to celebrate his glory because as far as we knew, he was at the hospital. Unfortunately no one had heard from him. He wouldn't return phone calls or text messages. Jane Lynch came bounding back into the picture and introduced us to Hogan, the incredible Hulk. Hogan is a short, fat man with no sense of humor and whose language would make even the filthiest sailor blush.

I never met Hogan until about 4:30 p.m. today. Zeida, me and another sales associate met at Schaumburg to take over the long list Pierre never completed. We had an easy day with Zeida. We painted and put together some merchandise racks. THEN came the dreaded phone call none of us saw coming.

Francisco was schedule to meet with Jane Lynch, Hogan and the other district manager this morning to discuss what his situation was. But he never showed up. Instead, he went to the Jewish bakery next door to the intended meeting place and called Jane Lynch. To her, this was completely unacceptable and went next door to the Bakery to tell him he was fired.

When Jane Lynch called Zeida, we knew something had gone down. There was talk of firing the Buffalo Grove store manager, who goes by Franz, because apparently Hogan didn't like him. The third and final store in our region was completely shut down due to fire code violations and that store manager, named Betty Boop, was shipped off to somewhere far, far away. Jane Lynch said it was only a miracle that kept Betty Boop was getting the same phone call as Francisco.

So Jane Lynch informs us that Hogan is now our district manager and he will arrive later the afternoon to check on the status of the store. In the meantime, we are supposed to keep working to make sure we can get the store open by this Saturday. We haven't even finished constructing the store yet.

By this point Zeida was beyond ticked, she was hungry and super thirsty because she was broke. We were supposed to get paid on Friday BUT the FedEx man who was supposed to deliver our checks didn't show. Someone called FedEx and they said Saturday. Well, FedEx man drives past the building and attempts to look into the building from his truck. Not seeing any signs of occupancy, he drives off assuming the store was abandoned. Had he taken the time to get out of the truck, he would met Jane Lynch and a very perturbed Zeida.

So FedEx says Monday between 9-11. Monday came... no FedEx. So Zeida calls Hogan, who calls FedEx and spends the next 10 minutes cursing at the lady on the other end. The lady calls the courier and 5 minutes later we have our paychecks. Hogan tells us not to worry any more because he is the Incredible Hulk and will turn green, ugly and mean when things go wrong.

Hogan also tells us that he was in this situation two years ago when he took over another store and fired the manager and 2 assistants the first day. I looked at him and cowered in fear. He may be shorter and fatter than me but he is one man I do not want to cross. The whole turning green thing creeps me out.

Then Hogan discovers that neither me or my manager have been trained and immediately ships us off to be trained tomorrow on everything. Tomorrow I have the pleasure of working with M.J., also known as Mary Jane or Peter Parker's girlfriend.

Hogan also informed me quite abruptly that in no way during this lifetime would I become store manager. He only wanted one store manager and was going to do everything in his power to make it stayed that way. And that was perfectly fine with me. After all the drama of the last week, I will stay an assistant.

Hogan also told us that if we didn't have fun and we were automatically fired. And he was seriously... deadly serious. He said he once fired all the employees from a store because they weren't having enough fun. I hard core believe him. Anyone who turns ugly and green is someone you should totally believe.

So that my friends is the beginning of the unending saga, the Webs We Weave: A Halloween Soap Opera. All the events listed in my story are fact even in the names are false. I hope you're satisifyingly confused... because I know I am. Boy, I love my job!!!!!